


i should've went home

by aethersamo



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:47:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23979217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aethersamo/pseuds/aethersamo
Summary: she knows she should've stayed at home, or she could be anywhere but this place. but she couldn't miss it for the world, it's been forever since she saw her smile.
Relationships: Hirai Momo/Minatozaki Sana
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	i should've went home

i should've went home. 

i shouldn't have went here.

with the way that nayeon's throwing me her stare of pity, or mina's subtle touch to assure me that she's here if ever i need anybody. 

i want to tell them that i'm not a lost case.

okay, maybe i am. but what are they gonna do about it? i made my decision. and i know full well that this exactly entails my decision. to be forever bound in biting chains of friendship, despite my heart's furious begging to move for greater heights. 

and i chose stable, and stable doesn't always mean comfort. for now, i have to ease myself into the bed i have been making for years. i'd lie here since god knows when. not even the warmth of nayeon's hand could wash away the nipping cold bite of reality. i thought their company would make this ordeal easier. but it's far from that, if anything i felt lonelier. with the way they're sharing knowing looks, it just reminds me so much of the connection that we had. i pulled my hand away from nayeon's and took my phone out. i let out a bitter chuckle as i've seen my lock screen. on the verge of contemplating whether i should change it, and the sole fact that has been reining me to keeping it was the fact that i promised her that i wouldn't change it.

even the fucking password is something that she had set. i quickly opened the message she left, telling me that she's excited to see me today. i left the message on read, and nayeon couldn't hide the guilt on her face, or mina's building frustration.

they told me to take a chance millions of times, but it's too late. i never really had the best sense of time. but the sense of timing whenever she's involved, it is something that i've perfected.

too well.

"you're gonna be my bestfriend." she told me as she looked up to me. i snickered with the thought. how do you make immediate best friends with someone you barely knew? i just offered my hand because she slipped, there's nothing more on that. anyone with a working conscience would do that. "i don't think so." she stood up in front of me, her hands on her waist. "you don't believe me?" 

from then, i knew better than to question her intuitions. 

"i'm your number one, right?" she said as she looked at me with her most endearing eyes. i chuckled. this girl must know better. when it comes to her, my sense of numbers becomes too jaded. they're nothing but mere constructs. you can't exactly be number one when there's no existing list. when it comes to her, there are no options, no point of comparisons. "no." i heard her scoff. "you're my only one." i stared at her, and i could visibly see the red tinging her cheeks. it is my first time to get her flustered. she playfully hit my arm and i laughed. "you're kidding." 

"who cares if i'm kidding? i've already said it, i must've meant it up to a certain degree." for the first time, i finally found a way to shut her up. she averted her gaze somewhere and i stared at her. she must really be undermining her stand in my life.

"we're made for each other, do you see that?" the sun shone as bright as ever, but that couldn't hide my dampened heart, or shed a light in my mind. i would love to think and agree that we are. i mean, there's some sort of telepathic communication involved within the two of us. on how i could sense if she's in danger, or how she knows i'll be sick before i know it. we couldn't even play choosing games because we'd consider what the other would choose. 

as if ever since, it is fate's thread that has bound us for so long. we didn't need to bring everything to words. 

and sometimes, that's the problem. 

you're too used to the definition of normal that you've made together, that every other connection pales in comparison to the one you've made. you couldn't even distinguish how many times you've crossed the lines of romance and friendship. because for the both of you, it was nothing but mere platonic.

but it isn't. it wasn't for me.

"i have to go back to japan." i could remember how her lips quivered, or how her eyes brimmed with tears as i've breathed those words. but nevertheless, she pasted her prettiest smile and nodded. her every attempt to cover up the pain that my departure would bring, only brought daggers that stuck itself deeper to my heart. with every sob she suppressed, or every tear that stained my jacket as she hugged me tight. so afraid to let me go. 

the last thing she ever said to me was that i should never forget her.

and i never did. i couldn't. 

because even now, i could vividly remember the 58 steps she took as she walked away from me. and how on the 59th, she looked back thinking i walked away too. but i couldn't. not when i could still clearly see her in the horizon. and how my eyes saw her cheeks puffing and tears drenching her face. she looks like an absolute crying mess. and it took every inch of my restraint to not run to her and cancel my flight tomorrow.

and now, it takes so much restraint for me to shout and make a mess to ruin this event.

but i don't have the heart to ruin what makes her happy, even if it costs mine.

"you could've been the one standing in that aisle." nayeon muttered under her breath. "i don't think so." "you weren't here to see the mess that she is. so shut up." i bitterly chuckled and i could see mina throwing nayeon a dangerous look. "what's your plan after this?" "go home? i don't know cover for me, mina." "she'll look for you." i shook my head. "you couldn't imagine how much i want to stop this wedding right now, but i'm putting my best behavior right now because this would make her happy. i couldn't pretend for long, nayeon. and i'll be pretending for the rest of my life. so please, cover for me." i exasperatedly said and nayeon just threw me a pitying look. 

"stop with the pity." nayeon averted her gaze and i went to my position in front. i stood face to face with her bride. who threw me a smile. "i've heard a lot of good things about you." she told me and i smiled back, albeit not as brighter as she did. "she told me too, jihyo. please take care of her, she could be a mess most of the time." jihyo laughed and i could see in her eyes that there was nothing but pure adoration and love that fills her heart whenever it's about her. "i know. and she's taking care of me too, in her own funny way, so i guess it's a great situation. she told me you've done a lot of things together. thank you for making her happy." i could feel her sincerity, and i felt like i'm breaking my own heart to carry a spite on a woman who has nothing but kindness in her.

but i'm just someone who's badly hurt right now. i'd get my act straight someday, but for now, i'll let the pain nip in. besides, this is all i've ever wanted. someone who would love her, even if it isn't me.

the music started playing, and my heart couldn't help but clench harder with the music. she always told me that this is what she wanted to play on her wedding day. i looked at wherever she is, letting myself fall into this short imagination that this could've been our wedding, on a different universe or lifetime. i'd be standing on the end of the aisle, waiting for her. the cause of her smile could've been me, and this time, it hurt more to see her tears knowing it came from happiness. she's too happy for this day, and i thank every inch of restrain i took. it is worth it. tears spilled on my eyes but i forced a huge smile. on her 58th step, she stopped in her tracks and wrapped her arms around me.

"you look like a baby crying like that, momoring. but thank you for coming." for a moment, it felt like the world stopped collapsing on me. for a moment, i was sinking to something that isn't despair. she believed that we were made for each other, at this very moment— i could see that too. "you're crying too. you're such a baby, satang. of course, i couldn't miss my best friends big day." she laughed and placed a chaste kiss on my forehead. "i missed you, see you later, okay?" i didn't answer, because i don't want to make promises i couldn't make. on her 59th step, jihyo offered her hand and sana gladly took it. reality came rushing only to hit me harder. 

i should've went home.

i shouldn't have went here.

i thought i've prepared my heart for the worst, i thought i could handle this well. but you could never imagine how my heart broke to million irreparable pieces once i heard her say i do. i realized i couldn't go home, because home is where sana wraps me in her arms and warmth. or where she tells me about her day and i do nothing but listen to it.

i could never go home from now on.

i couldn't go home when my home is in somebody else's arms.

**Author's Note:**

> SAMO SOULMATES
> 
> first angst here on ao3. listen to best friend by rex orange county. that song has damaged me in many ways more than one.
> 
> you can follow me on @osakasamo!


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